Day 20/28 days of Playing It Out.
Tonight I, again, decided to let my body rule the stage and I moved and talked and made silly sounds.
OLD STORY: Herky jerky movements. “Do this now because I said so.” “It will be so much better if you just do what I say.” Forward/stop/back. Staccato. Like a robot. Sudden starts and stops. I push myself. I hold back. I pull. I push. I plant my feet. “Yes, you will. No, I won’t.”
After playing this a little while I got the sense that I was playing out my birth story. Katie Hendricks suggests that we actually replay our birth story frequently. In past posts I’ve discussed how I’ve played out what was happening when I was in my mother’s womb. Since then, I’ve spoken with my mom and talked to her about what she remembers about my birth.
My friend and integrative life coach at Tall Poppy, Inc., created a handout (in collaboration with the Hendricks) that talks about how to know if you are playing out your birth drama. According to Audrey and the work she and the Hendricks have done, “Our birth experience provides one of the earliest blueprints for ‘process’ and transition. We repeat this transition pattern through the whole-body contextual understanding that this is ‘just the way it is’. In reality, our transition patterns are malleable/changeable once brought to the light of awareness, and with a willingness to ‘play through’ to new possibilities. Birth patterns can be especially vivid during life transitions, large and small.”
Some of the things you might say, or hear other’s say when playing out your/their birth pattern are: I’m stuck, I’ll never get past it, anything about ‘timing’, just one more thing and I’ll be ready, the pressure is overwhelming, I don’t know how to move through this and more.
Some things your body might do that could be linked to a birth pattern are: getting really angry during transition times, running hands through hair/on head/neck, getting sleepy, adjusting neck, head tilting to one side, scrunching up face.
In relationship, you might notice: push-pull patterns, pacing and rhythmic conflicts, complaints about one partner holding the other back, upset and conflict around unexpected changes, yawning/getting sleepy when partner brings up issues/feelings, bringing partner along, timing conflicts.
When I read this after letting my body move around, I recalled how I’ve been in conflict, pushing and pulling, with my son. “Do this, don’t to that” I’m saying quite frequently, with him providing lots of push back. I’ve been playing with pacing and timing several times now in my blog posts. I feel like my “timing is off”, I’m not sure when to start my class.
The handout has some land activities you can do to loosen your birth imprint and support resolution. I decided to tell the story of my birth experience with magnification. I magnified my movements and sounds.
BIRTH STORY: I’m getting ready! I’ve got all my people here to help me. Everything is IN PLACE. (looking around, pacing like on a diving board). I’ve got lots of support. I’m going to do this. Yep, here we go. (Double checking everything). I did everything I’m supposed to. Things are well prepared. I’m prepared. Here we go. Things are going great. This is great. Things are going smoothly. I got this.
FUCK! WHAT WAS THAT? (FREEZE) SHIT. What was I thinking? What just happened? Did I do something wrong? No, don’t go. Oh, I can’t go back now, just go. No, wait. Go. No, don’t! Ah, go, no, go. OK, HERE I COME!
PLOP.
Oh, sigh, breathe. This is nice. mmm, I’m tired.
I curled up on the floor for a few minutes just breathing. I thought, wow, what a ride. There’s definitely some adrenaline in that one. I took a look at some of the questions Audrey lists to encourage opening to new possibilities around birth patterns:
- I wonder how I can move through this with ease?
- I wonder how I can move through things one easy step at a time?
- How can I create and enjoy plenty of time and space for all I desire?
- I wonder how I can create a friendly relationship with timing?
- How does ‘ready’ feel in my body? How do I know when I’m ready/willing? (I really like this one!)
- How can I create a friendly relationship with change?
- How can I create and enjoy genuine, generous support? (mmm, loving this one, too)
- How can I see and feel my way through to what I want?
- Am I willing to create an easeful way through ‘this’?
Once I pondered some of those questions, I decided to tell my birth story again, but this time while doing the YES breath. Here’s a pretty good video demonstration of the YES breath which was created by Gay Hendricks. Practicing the YES breath is a miracle way to loosen up old patterns and rewire your system.
This time I told the story and breathed through it. At the end I said, “There are lots of people supporting me” and I felt a big wave of flow. I began to cry and feel very warm (common symptoms of aliveness!) I let my jaw tremble and rode my wave of feeling. Afterward, I heard, “they want me to be here” and I sensed that I wanted to be here. I experienced a deep sense of “here I am”.
Bringing awareness to how I reenact some of my earliest days has been extremely freeing. In those times when I feel like I’m creating that same old drama, I find it really helpful to have these tools to play and ease my way through. I’m thankful for Katie and Gay Hendricks who spent their life experimenting with rebirthing themselves and for Audrey Hazekamp for creating such a practical handout to help me explore my own rebirth.
If you’re interested in learning more about Audrey you can visit her website at www.tallpoppyinc.com. She’s a master wonderer who frequently blows my mind with embodied wonder questions that rewire my brain for endless possibilities.
imagination realized 